


The Best Laid Plans

by A_Little_Boosh_Maid



Series: Zooniverse Nights [1]
Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Best Friends, Friendship/Love, M/M, Male Slash, Mild Smut, References Tundra s01e04, Season/Series 01, Shower Sex, Workplace Sex, head canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-19 07:39:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15505581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Little_Boosh_Maid/pseuds/A_Little_Boosh_Maid
Summary: In which Howard insists on having a nice relaxing shower on his own, and it doesn't all go to plan.





	The Best Laid Plans

Howard stood in the shower block closest to the zoo's entrance. He was alone, because he always made Vince go to the bathroom near their hut. Vince could never understand why they had to take separate showers, and lately he'd become really whiny about it, as if Howard was depriving him of some rare treat.

Howard kept using words like "inappropriate" and "unprofessional" when answering, which made Vince roll his eyes. Finally Howard reminded Vince that he was already in trouble for harassing Mrs Gideon, and all he'd done was write a poem about her and cry into her fish pond. He couldn't afford any more scandals at work.

"As if I'd complain about you like Mrs Gideon did", Vince said indignantly. " _I_ don't mind if you write poems about me and cry over them, Howard. And having a shower with me wouldn't be like having one with Mrs Gideon". Which was unassailably true.

Howard couldn't fathom this sudden obsession with them showering together – he thought that after spending all day and night with each other, Vince would be happy for a little privacy. It is said that it is not good for a man to be alone, but as a famous actor once pointed out, it is often a great relief, and it was relief that Howard needed right now.

As Howard stood under the warm water, he began as usual with a list of things he would _not_ think about while gaining said relief. There was a whole range of imagery that Howard had banned himself from enjoying during these periods of relief, and he usually began the session with an extremely unerotic stern warning to himself.

Blue eyes, they were on the banned list. Sharp cheekbones, pale skin, big toothy sunshine smiles. Dark hair in a shag cut streaked with highlights, that was out. So were tight neon-coloured tee-shirts that clung seductively. Narrow hips loosely encircled by a studded leather belt, a certain zookeeper bending over an enclosure to feed the animals, flaunting his apple-cheeked little buttocks. They were all completely forbidden as topics to mull over during the period of self-relief.

Howard tried to think of clean, wholesome things to imagine. Freshly baked brown bread. Lavender pot-pourri. Woollen cardigans. The only trouble was, he seemed to be having the most unaccountable lack of success becoming erect thinking about bread, and cardigans definitely weren't doing it either. If only he had a granny fetish, he'd be a raging bull by now.

"Let me in, Howard", called Vince through the door. "There's no hot water in the other showers".

Howard had not heard Vince approach, but then Vince had the silent tread of a big cat. Howard didn't answer at first, unsure of what to do.

"Please, Howard", begged Vince. "I've run all the way over here dripping wet in just a towel, and I'm freezing".

Reluctantly, Howard unlocked the shower door. He knew his duty as team leader, and he could not in all conscience allow Vince to freeze to death. That's what he told himself, anyway.

"Thanks Howard", said Vince, getting under the hot water, and almost gasping at how warm it felt after being so cold. He threw back his head to let the water run over his face.

Howard tried not to look at Vince, but from the shifty glances he took, it was obvious he was going to have to add at least a dozen more images to the banned list.

"Want me to wash you?", asked Vince with a cheerful grin.

Howard had so far not trusted himself to speak, but now he looked nervous and said, "No, don't – please don't touch me, Vince".

Except that somehow half his words got choked away, and it sounded as if he'd said, "Please ... touch me, Vince".

"Yeah 'course, I don't have some magical power where I can wash you without touching you", laughed Vince. "You'd have to ask Naboo if you wanted to be washed without being touched. Feel like showering with Naboo?"

Howard hoped his silence was a strong enough indication he didn't want to shower with Naboo. He could see that sentence going really wrong if he tried to talk.

Vince lathered the soap into his hands and began washing Howard's chest, tracing around his nipples in lazy patterns, before gently rubbing the nipples themselves with his fingertips.

"I always thought small nipples weren't that sensitive, but your little nips are so stiff", Vince said in surprise.

He tweaked one as if rewarding it for good behaviour, then began lathering the soap down Howard's stomach. Howard flinched, but Vince ignored him and continued caressing his belly in a sort of dreamy appreciation.

"Not very chatty are you?", observed Vince. "'Spect I'm talking too much".

"Don't mind", Howard croaked hoarsely.

Vince's fingers seemed to be getting lower and lower, and Howard was getting more tense, as if there was a coiled spring at the base of his spine curling tighter and tighter. Or maybe it was a flame getting warmer and warmer ...

"Want me to help you out with that?", Vince asked, because he had succeeded spectacularly where bread and cardigans had dismally failed.

"Yeah, you can't handle that great thing all on your own" - Vince was now apparently answering his own questions due to Howard's inability to speak.

Howard mentally rated himself a solid 2/10 as a shower companion: he was even more useless than he'd always feared. How Vince was continuing with this was beyond his comprehension. If he could move his feet, he would have run away long ago.

He gave a whimpering noise as Vince took him in hand, and began a smooth stroking movement. Vince's hands were like his feet – they were strong and flexible, but felt soft and padded; it was like being touched by lion's paws. Howard couldn't help feeling proud that Vince needed both hands.

"Can you help me out too, mate?", Vince asked. "My hands are a bit full over here".

Howard just stood there looked confounded, so Vince took his hand and guided it onto his own cock. At least here Howard understood the fundamental principles involved and held Vince, trying to match the same rhythm Vince was using on him. They were both moving faster now.

"Oh wow, that feels amazing", Vince moaned. "How did you get so good with your hand?".

"Practice", Howard managed to get out. He even attempted a weak smile.

He mentally upped his score to 4/10, and when Vince gave a very convincing groan of pleasure, decided he might even deserve a 4.5. If he just did one more thing right, he could be looking at a low pass mark for the whole experience.

Vince crouched over into what Howard thought looked like a horribly uncomfortable position and put his mouth over the head of Howard's cock, sucking on it as he kept jerking Howard with two hands.

It felt so incredible that Howard immediately awarded Vince 10/10 for everything since the beginning of time and space itself. He tried to think of how he could ever repay Vince for this. Endow upon him all his worldly goods. Follow him to the ends of the earth. Take a sacred vow to guard and protect Vince with his own life.

These thoughts made Howard sincerely glad that he couldn't talk. He settled for stroking Vince's hair and the nape of his neck.

Vince stood up and pressed himself against Howard's chest, looking up and parting his lips in an unmistakable invitation. Now completely out of his depth, Howard bent towards him, closing his eyes and letting Vince take the lead. He could feel Vince's lips and tongue on his. If he didn't quite kiss back, he let Vince kiss him. He tried not to think about where his mouth had just been. He owed him that much.

As they neared climax, he held Vince close, nuzzling his neck and cupping that delectable bum with his free hand. He could feel Vince thrusting against him as he orgasmed, softly panting his name: " _Howard_ , _Howard_ ...".

"Howard, are you ever getting out of the shower?", Vince called through the door. "You've been ages, and _Colobus the Crab_ is coming on".

Howard hadn't heard his approach, but that probably wasn't surprising, given the circumstances. He switched off the water and yelled that he'd be there in a minute. Vince yelled back could they have chips for dinner please, and then Howard heard him leave for home.

As he towelled himself dry, Howard reflected that he had once again been a complete failure at avoiding all the forbidden thoughts and images. He seemed to have come up with a whole bunch of new ones actually. Sometimes it was almost too real.

One day he would find something clean and wholesome to think about in the shower – maybe a tartan picnic blanket, a really nice bicycle, or a fresh spring breeze blowing through ice-capped mountains. Surely any normal man could become sexually stimulated by these?

While dressing, he decided that if Vince ever did seek shelter from the cold with him while looking distractingly arousing, he would not permit it, no matter how freezing Vince was. He could not answer for the consequences if he did. Better Vince froze than got bummed to death.

**Author's Note:**

> This piece takes place at the same time as "Of Men and Muses", which is why they have related titles. That was written mostly from Vince's perspective, so this is a chance to see what Howard was thinking. If you read "Of Men and Muses", you can probably pinpoint exactly where this fits into the narrative. 
> 
> This is the start of another series about Howard and Vince set in the Zooniverse – the brief mentions in the first series of the nights they spent together made me think (too much?) about what they might have got up to in the evenings during their down time. The other series was pretty Vince-y, and this one is more Howard-centric.


End file.
